8. Ups and Downs
Quite a bit has happened since my last post, even though it doesn’t feel that long ago! Obviously, the semester is over so I can finally breathe again. It felt like I barely scraped by at the end there, but I’m so thankful for all of my classes, professors, new knowledge, and experiences. And now I can look forward to a 14 credit schedule in the spring with lots more composing and practicing in the mix!
I’m also very grateful that I can say I completed my first commissioned work in the last couple of months! I got to see it performed at the end of November by the amazing and talented Jonathon Sengupta, who I’m glad to be able to call my friend and colleague. I’m really proud of my work on the piece and his concept for the project was so incredible! I greatly enjoyed working on it and collaborating with him.
On the other side of the spectrum, I hit a big low point towards the end of the semester where my morale and motivation just totally tanked. I was running out of energy from a strenuous workload and feeling uninspired compositionally, but I had pushed through and written a new piece that I was pretty proud of. I submitted it for a competition and felt reasonably good about my chances. Well, I was in the throes of a research paper when I got an email that I had not been selected as a finalist for the competition.
My heart broke just a little bit. In a moment of desperation and dramatics, I considered quitting composition entirely (ridiculous, I know). I felt so burnt out creatively and as though my career path was helpless. I looked back at what I had done in 2024 and instead of focusing on the many positives–Jonathon’s commission, studying music history abroad, attending conferences, and receiving both praise and valuable feedback during masterclasses–or giving myself grace considering all of the things I had done outside of composition, I felt like a failure. My output wasn’t as large as I had hoped, I hadn’t accomplished several of my goals for the semester, and I wasn’t even happy with some of the pieces I had written most recently.
It took me a couple of days to dig myself out of that funk, but clearly I haven’t given up on composition quite yet. I’m also thinking that the universe sent me a sign that I made the right decision because I got my first big “yes” only a couple weeks later; I’m thrilled to say that I’m a semifinalist for the Ruth Wales du Pont Collegiate Composition Competition through the American Pops Orchestra! You can check out my Instagram for more information (coming soon).
Moving into 2025, I’m definitely still learning how to resist the temptation to compare myself to others and deal with rejection, but I’m already feeling so much more motivated and like I’m on a path towards a healthier relationship with composing and with myself. I’m really enjoying my new content creation over on Instagram and I’m excited to see where the next semester takes me. So, see you next year!
